THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”