Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”