The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!