The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Raisins are grape jerky.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Extremely relatable.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly