The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
see next tweet for some translations
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.