“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The inventor of Pringles: what if we combined the best part of playing tennis with the best part of not playing tennis
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.