The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Meme Monday.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.