Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Hot hot hot 🥵