The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!