Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.