The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Fidel Castro was alive?
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back