The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
You Might Also Like
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
smartest karate player in the world
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..