The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Not with that attitude
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Oh the world we live in…
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.