The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
*grabs bag of lettuce*
Lettuce: Finally, she’s going to use me!
*picks up cupcake container that was under it, sets lettuce back down, and closes refrigerator door*
Lettuce: Jerk.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough