The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Now colored!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”