The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.