THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
another case of gang violins
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
old twitter is back baby
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.