THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.