Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Sooo many times…..

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

dril cadence

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M