The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I’m not proud
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.