The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Our lord and savoury.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”