Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

“our sushi is very fresh”

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”