The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.