Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Y’all know who you are.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.