The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Not helping
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Milk Cube
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.