The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
hmmm
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.