Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Do not levitate over flowers

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!