The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
