The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”