The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
who will stop them
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.