The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Goat cheese is for herders.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Reporter: *ports again*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.