Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

who wants to go expliring

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

What’s a Messi?

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body