The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
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My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan