Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute