The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…