Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
How to wake up a Beagle
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?