Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

happy friday

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow