Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

I don’t believe him.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.