Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Me, flirting😏

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries