The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
You Might Also Like
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Today is “National Working Naked Day.” If you work near heavy machinery or with children, I suggest that you don’t participate.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.