The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp


[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent


Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.


“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”


People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways