The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.


under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”


I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.


Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES


How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?


My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.



McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW




A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent


Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.