The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]