The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more