The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Seek kebab; not attention
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers