The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.