@AmishPornStar1

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

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@SvnSxty

*stuck in traffic*

Me: *rolling down the windows* finally everyone can enjoy my rap demo

@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

@NewDadNotes

DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@1Bad_Scientist

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

@fightgeek

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

@craiguito

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.