The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

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*stuck in traffic*

Me: *rolling down the windows* finally everyone can enjoy my rap demo


“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”



DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died


Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.


Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.


Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.


broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting


1) It’s not very hard


If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam


Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.