Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

this is me

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Meow