The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.