Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Nose

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)