Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

road rage

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”