Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Brb my Sims are getting married

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Two types of dogs.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?