Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.