The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.