The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
They did not think through this water fountain
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period