The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.