The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science