The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
You Might Also Like
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
…żyje?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”