The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Received some very disappointing news today
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Breaking news:
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense