Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

You are not alone 💚

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Erm I’m gonna say no

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.