Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

i want enemies

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Can. I. Help. You.