Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

they should create new variants of dopamine

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

black phone good

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.