The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Potatoes were such a good idea
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
These dogs look like they have good credit.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
you’re damn right i have
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.