The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.