The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???