The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”