The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
This is my emotional support knife.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself