The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?