Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hoping to spice up my evening

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home