The jeans are skinny. I’m not
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.