The jeans are skinny. I’m not
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
This could be us… but you playing
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear