The jeans are skinny. I’m not
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on