Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

That’s enough internet for the day

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

I am also baked goods

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”