The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
How it started How it’s going
