The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Dating Tips
1.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Milk Cube
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
